the first duty

i'll start this with an incredibly simple, possibly obvious, and simultaneously gigantic statement: i love star trek. in one form or another, it has been a part of my life since i was born; but really, it predates my conception. it's written into my genes. there is pretty much no way i could have escaped it growing up, my mother having been an active fan since she was a teenager. watching old episodes and movies on VHS at lunchtime on the weekends, gathering the family around the television each week for new installments of then-new spinoff series, conversations about plots and characters, reading books, and even traveling to conventions came (and still comes) as normally to us as breathing. this was not to the detriment of other so-called important childhood activities, but in addition to them; my brother and i rode bikes, had adventures in the woods behind our house with neighbors, raised money for scout troops, and played organized sports as much as the next kid, if not more. i'm not exactly sure why i feel compelled to mention this, other than perhaps to break the stereotypical notion that as science fiction fans we were shut-ins that did nothing but keep our faces glued to the glowing television screen all day every day.

this geekdom was a huge source of shame for me in my adolescence, as you can well imagine. once i realized that liking science fiction was considered extremely uncool, especially for a girl (my gender precluded me from even being accepted by the male nerd squad of the grade) i shut up into myself like a clam. my most famous story in this vein is of the time in sixth grade when i read a star trek book for a book report, and the written version was just fine. unfortunately, we were also being trained in the art of public speaking, and so had to give an oral version of the report in front of the entire class. when my turn came, i pretended that i had forgotten the name of the book, the names of the characters, and anything in the plot that could even vaguely remind one of star trek. my teacher took pity on me with a completely undeserved C-, probably realizing where the problem had come in, but that fandom shame haunted me throughout the rest of my public school days. even through high school, as i grew into a punk scene that purported to accept folks of all types, i felt i had to maintain a façade of percieved complete and utter Coolness.

it wasn't until i started college that it dawned on me to not only accept, but embrace my love for science fiction instead of pushing it away. i discovered that lots of people, including some of my closest friends, liked star trek too, and most of those who didn't like it either didn't give a hoot that i enjoyed it or thought well of me for it. i wasn't as alone as i had made myself feel, and besides that, i realized i probably didn't need people in my life who judged me harshly based on my interest in it, anyway. (that sentiment may seem fairly obvious, but it's one thing to say it/write it/look at it as a 22 year old, and quite another to truly DISCOVER and FEEL and BELIEVE it as a teenager.)

as i made my way through a communications and media studies undergraduate major, i was lucky to have amazing professors who encouraged my writing many papers about many different aspects of star trek and science fiction, culminating in a senior independent study about how female viewers interact with, and female representation in, deep space nine. this is probably trite, but i felt complete. to be able to accept my whole self in such a way was, and is, deeply satisfying in a way i never knew growing up.

hmm, i started writing this as a prologue to talking about something else related to star trek that i was reading about today, but i guess it got pretty long, so i'll save that for another post. i know you're holding your breath, i'm sorry!